Just spent the rest of my time at that bar trying to keep a probs underage closet gay from touching my kitten to prove he still likes girls.
so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
The most interesting things happen to you when your pants come down. I truly envy you.
If we were to wake in ur bed together, what are the 3 words you would say to me?
Get out now.
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
Yea... you were given too many get out of jail free cards. God just gave up on you having a healthy and happy vagina.
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
and then you two started interpretive dancing to Mozart
I apparently tried to wax off my nipples.This explains the pain
He just ate a tooth whitening strip...
had more orgasms than hours of sleep last night
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
Randomize
