I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
We are brilliant. We call it the pint walk. Killing a pint of vodka while we walk from cleveland park to dupont. just making mama proud
There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
you took a scissor and started screaming "I WANNA KNOW WHAT ITS LIKE TO BE BALD"
just googled chastity belt to see if it really exist..
Did they have a limo or was i just stoned?
I would be the drunk girl eating cake on the front steps alone.
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
Randomize
