I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
dude my grandmas the shit. she has a sixth grade education and got hit by a car when she was 18. she cant smell.
is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
I think i smell like relationship. That's my problem.
Ok cuz s'mores night just turned into pina colada after noon and it will be mas fun
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
I just want to like rub my face on his abs
I need help
I just used bulldog clips for nipple clamps. Also, a wooden spoon as a paddle. DYI Domination or Ghetto Bondage?
there is partying, then there is whatever we did last night.
You win. I am a lesbian who maybe slightly jaded. I didn't mean to throw the knife at you head.
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
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