when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
I cant wait for your democrat phase to be over.
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
he's only going to be home for two days, his dick is going to be in me for the whole 48 hours, he doesnt have a choice.
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
Yea. Some girl set a laundry machine on fire. She's not getting married.
Star Trek does not adequately answer all the questions that I have about alien genitals
I mean your new thing is losing body parts and feeling colors so its not like we are hurting for entertainment
we watched a porno and made a drinking game out of it. best first date ever.
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
I mean I've only met the girl once and she was trying to slit some guys tires.
You don't get to call me bro after you've had your dick in me.
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
Randomize
