Whenever someone from high school gets pregnant or has a pregnancy scare my self esteem grows a good 5 points
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
I'm just trying to jam my tits into some coconuts and I'll be on my way
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
You don't forget tits like those, even if you are vegas drunk.
The polaroid of me taking a test-tube of Jegar out of the gay guys mouth pretty much explains my trip to Spain.
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
New life rule, no banging opera singers. I might be a little deaf now
Black out Jordan is making huge strides. I didn't even pee on anyone or anything last night.
I walked into her room to find her sitting on the end of her bed with her heads in her hands talking to herself. She kept muttering things like "What? How? No. What? I don't --- How?" $10 says she's pregnant.
I'll see to your $10 and raise you $40.
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
I'm a fuck boy trapped in a single mom's body.
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
There's something about a foam party that makes freshman want to turn their lives into full blown shit shows. And I'm ok with the fact I am one of those.
Randomize
