separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
I should be nowhere even remotely near facebook in this condition.
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
So I'm seriously debating forwarding these sexts to his horse faced new gf including the ones that say he still loves me... but I still need his check to clear... decisions decisions
Just pissed in my own closet. Had no idea adult dinner parties could he so awesome.
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
IM A SHIT SUOW THE GUYS AT THE PMACR TOLD ME AJDBO I WEBF RO WALNARY WITH OU SHOES! I WASHT LLOWES FLOWERSA
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
Doing blow in the bathroom isnt the same without you
Do a rail off the baby station in my honor
He caught a Pokemon on my head while I sucked him off. I think I need to marry him.
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
So i dislocated my knee but still went home and fucked his brains out. Nothing gets in the way of my sex life. NOTHING.
Randomize
