I mean don't get me wrong, vaginas are terrifying, they look so sneaky with all their layers and secret compartments and trap doors
dude i woke up laying next to some guy. i dont have my bra or his name. he has a nice tv though.
You are an asshole
haha sleeping beauty awakes.
Where did you find this costume?
No, I stopped taking my meds because I like crazy me better
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
I told the girl who was peeing in the garbage can she must have had a lot of upper body strength.
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
Nothing with ever convince me that she wasnt purposely left behind by our mother to ruin my life and fuck our family
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
Well I mean I HAD done a pretty good job of not pooping myself through the years
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
Randomize
