I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
Goal for tonight: Make one last drunken mistake for the semester.
We need to find a way to make penises more like hookahs.
Drawing dicks in the frost on people's windshields is a rare joy I allow myself while walking to my 8 AM class.
This dude. Just lost. A finger. He asked us for tape.
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
Are you coming to class or was the dick pic this morning your way of saying not today?
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
hotelroom bed is big enough to masturbate in, but small enough to not want to sleep in it after you've masturbated in it
They have a shelf full of jello shots, what have i gotten myself into
I have been adopted by a clan of drunken skinny dipping tourists.
Randomize
