I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
was his dick as big as our hopes and dreams?
I'm at the bar alone. Is this how you feel?
I had to feed him the pizza because he was too blazed to do it himself
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
Give me 20 minutes.. I'm going to need to start off with an orgasm to get through this day
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
Haha! I swear, it's like I'm talking to Buddha with a slutty agenda. You are so full of wisdom.
Randomize
