I boned her and wore a Freddy mask once. It was pretty lol
I caved and texted him. But it's strictly drug dealing business so it doesn't count.
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
Did you seriously take investment advice from our coke dealer?
gay flight attendant. racoons. kegels. bartender with missing teeth. too many birthdays. fucckk.
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
When I was leaving this morning he gave me some candy off his floor to prove he was a nice guy... He definitely knows the way to my heart. Best one night stand ever
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
Everyone was trying to get you to do a keg stand but you refused & instead declared you could do it yourself, crouched on the keg in your 6 inch heels, leaned over, and gave yourself one.
Based on your 5AM twitter activity I gather you found MORE FREE COKE??
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
A boy just offered to come over and help me clean my house. I hope you are more successful than he will be tonight.
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize
