I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
he saw my emergency pass-out-in-the-bathroom-after-drunken-puking cot in the bathroom.
i know we're in college but you cant booty call me at 3 in the afternoon. i dont care how drunk you are.
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
We banged through her entire lady gaga playlist. I can die happy now
Have fun at school today. Try to hide that you're a whore. The other girls will like you better that way.
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
Slipping me an edible before my ochem final was not your brightest idea. Looks like I'm switching to business.
Incoming: this is a booty call. To accept, please reply with an appropriate time. To reject, please reply "N" and the information will be filed for future reference.
I wonder if her husband knows I have my own drawer at the apartment
He's not letting me leave till I cum. I am a hostage to my own vagina
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
I worked all year for this tax return. I deserve to get my nipples pierced.
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
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