you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
I haven't been able to trust a girl since spanks came out
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
the biggest problem in our relationship is that im team edward and my boyfriend is team jacob
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
Dude, all I know is that I came out of this thing wearing a snorkel mask and completely covered in glitter and soap.
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
I'm in his bed. I got up to puke. Im one eyeing it eating a hot dog bun. Wtf. This is my life
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
I'm extremely upset that I wasted my "having sex with a guy at work" card on him
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
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