Just heard a guy discussing with someone else the amazing blow job you gave him. I’m in New York. Over 2 hours away from where you live. I have never been more proud.
i just watched my husband get a prostate exam. sex is ruined for me.
Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
he asked if he should bring the trash can into the room.. apparently i shoved my finger all over his face and said.. shhhh dont talk... just take your pants off.
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
i now regret my decision on turning down your offer of sex in the backseat
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
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