I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
i need to find a notary that isn't going to turn me in for blatantly lying to the us and chilean governments
I am assuming I was his dirty Mardi Gras mistake and I can live with that
also since I use google voice my ads in gmail switched to DUI services after this conversation
His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
Same.
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
ok so i got home drunk and was cleaning my kitchen and i was shaking out the throw rug and dropped it out the window, i'm sorry
What's the polite way to tell someone she's a grown ass woman and she needs to start acting like it.
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
Randomize
