Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
I puked in the revolving door and had to sit down on the escalator. That hungover. It's safe to say people are judging me.
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
I sat in the bathroom on the counter and gave out advice to all the random people that walked in
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
your like the ambassador to my penis.
Lazier than spoon feeding yourself popcorn and debating adult diapers so you don't have to leave the mentalist marathon on tv?
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
If fixing it is ignoring it, and getting naked. Then yes we fixed it.
I thought 5 times was beyond my capabilities but her tongue was like a penis defibrillator. Clear!
I'm all dressed in my outfit from last night, and I'm not even the sluttiest person in Walmart right now. God bless Miami.
I know it's my dream I got hurt enough to leave work but not hurt enough to stop drinking
ugh, my whole family is going ape shit over my sister's pregnancy blog. I dont get it? Anyone can get knocked up! I had rebound sex with a new york ranger last night, now that is something to fucking blog about.
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Randomize
