ya i vaguely remember microwaving a whole package of bacon for 20 minutes or so and then eating it all around 4am
Well i just learned hong kong is a country...thank you olympics
How do I tell if what I'm covered in is pee or cum?
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
If i evwr doyble fist jack daniels and smirnoff again, i hereby give you permission to take them both away grom me and give me and give me a glass of wat
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
Romantically speaking, I want to sit on his face.
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
Sometimes you've gotta crawl to stay concious
He tried to tell me that that stripper was his aunt..
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
Randomize
