if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
you woke me up at 7 am banging on my wall.. what the hell
thats the international knock for joint time
Absolutely. Last time I signed up for a softball league I had sex with my high school economics teacher.
he put $150 on the cabs dash so 9 of us could pile in and ride 3 blocks to the apartment.
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
So I was thinking for Halloween I'd do Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde....for my vagina.
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
DON'T PUKE iN THE PRINGLES CAN, WHATEVER YOU DO!
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
Its one thing to reject me, but to reject me AND my hottest friend AT THE SAME TIME!?!?
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
Randomize
