my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
Her name is Sherri and her sister's are Brandy and Champagne. Of course I want to meet her parents.
And before you get all mad cause I said "nipples," I actually discarded "you are so wet right now" and "you have such a raging clit-on right now."
That's called being sensitive.
not much sitting here stoned eating my little sisters halloween candy and judging each individual hersheys candy bar and after much deliberation by the selection committee the original hersheys chocolate bar won
Well the strippers have danced to goo goo dolls and green day, time of your life. Were all gonna commit suicide.
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
I think i should wear mittens next time we have sex.
My friend had to carry her up the steps on his shoulder, and then she got up, found an ironing board and set it up in my friend's room just in case he needed to iron things.
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
He came inside and met my grandmother after we had sex in the driveway. I love that he has a van.
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
Randomize
