You're my little dorito
All I have in my fridge is chocolate cake, pizza, spicy mayo sauce, beer, and weed. I love college
It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
hey boys, thanks for all the pictures of your dick you took with my camera last night...they were really nice to stumble upon while reliving my night in the breakroom today at work
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
You guys crashed sarahs vespa into a snowbank and its still there. not cool.
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
So the guy I hooked up with during welcome week just tried to booty call me from across the lecture hall at 9am. I don't think he gets how this works...
he taught all the little kids to ski. it was stupid hot. i'm pretty sure my ovaries exploded.
I still don't know his name but his ass is spectacular. Like he should never wear pants.
I repeat do not go to a jail visit drunk, those stools are easy to fall off.
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
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