Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
yesterday, he said he didn't trust me around his daughter because "if she was wrapped in rolling paper u'd smoke her." yup.
Dude she was 62...with a boob job. And I'm proud to say I made out with that.
People Are Arguing Over This Guy’s Petty Reaction To Splitting Lunch With His Co-Worker
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
sorry he hasn't talked to me since the surprise salvia incident...
is pulling out brownies in the middle of class on 4/20 just too obvious?
Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library
i refuse to be around anyone not wearing a sombrero...its cinco de mayo
Girl Logs Into Twitter Only To Find Out Her Dad Is Trending For The Most Outrageous Reason
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.