I know you are passed out now but when you wake up in the morning your keys are in the freezer and your probly gunna want to apologize to your gf...
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
im giving 12 year olds life advice. this is probably illegal somewhere.
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
I just watched her pee in a trashcan, im still probably going to fuck her, what does that say about my standards
Great. I get laid, Leslie Nielsen dies. I can't have have sex anymore, the film community can't take another loss like this.
I owe you 20 bucks. My blood work did show liver damage.
She had forties taped to her hands and was trying to give him a hand job while he was passed out, with everyone in the living room.
Sounds like it could have been the night you pulled out your love stump at the strip club.
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
He ate me out on a washing machine in the 24 hour laundromat. Whoever watches that security camera footage is getting a show!
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