6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
What do they do with the elephants that die at the zoo
Cremation, why do you ask?
I think we have a bit of a problem
I'm not really sure actually. until I fell in love with a boy (which was just a few weeks ago) I thought my attraction to men was purely physical.
so you were gay...and then you realized you were EVEN MORE gay
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
just had to shower sitting down. i hope this isn't an indicator of how the rest of my week is going to go.
nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
after she rolled over and said 'i'm so glad you're like my gay best friend, love you' then left. did i just get friendzoned AFTER sex??
As if right now I am a humanitarian. Full story to come in the morning. It involves sex.
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
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