Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
i just remember sitting on this bed, naked, STILL WITH A CONDOM ON, and suddenly these random girls were in the room shouting at me
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
He was ugly. Like horse ugly. But he was built for power, not for speed.
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
I am the slutty bisexual glue that holds this friendship group together.
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
just walked across campus with a bottle of champagne in between my boobs. night two and the quest for classiness is already over
For sure. I'm slow cooking a 6 pound pork shoulder wrapped in bacon. If that doesn't scream "guys I'm going into culinary arts lets get drunk" I'm not sure what does.
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
Randomize
