I cant believe we actually had a nipple party!
peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
he had to fake a sneeze attack to hide the fact he came in 15 seconds?!
so its atleast an 8 for creativity.
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
My gym is having a pizza and beer party. God im starting to love this place.
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
i'm gonna fuck his crew, i'm gonna wax my asshole. i'm gonna make them all cry tears of sex joy then move to colorado.
It bothers me when I see my old fuck buddies starting families on Facebook.
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
I haven't gotten dressed in 4 days. God bless you, unemployment.
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
besides the unzipped fly, the black eye and the toilet paper on your shoe you looked really sexy today baby!
It was sweet, he carried me out of my bathroom after I passed out, built me a pillow fort so I wouldn't roll out of bed, set a glass of water on the table, and brought me a mixing bowl to puke in. Totally a sign we're more than just fuckbuddies.
that may or may not have been my penis.
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