I want to dip my vagina in sugar. Not only will it be sweet, but it will have a nice sparkle.
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
My ex best friend's ex fuck buddy is visiting. There was no other option but day drinking.
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
We definitely need to avoid these "I'm gonna get stabbed if I stay here any longer" partys
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
I was using my Beauty and the Beast blanket as a makeshift skirt because no pants
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
I can always pull a half day at work too. My boss makes exceptions for drug use. Lol. I fucking love my job.
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
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