He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
You lit the bowl with a rolled up paper towel that you ignited on the stove.
I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
I can't. I can't get out. He cooked me food. And made me jager bombs. And painted a glow in the dark smilie face on my boobs
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
new girl just came onto the hall stumbling drunk with no shoes on and the guy who brought her doesn't have them either
The polish Muslims are throwin paczkis into the crowd and I'm beer 6 before 11 am
Guys with integrity exist just to rain on my slut parade.
Check having sex on the rocks and dirt on the peak of saddleback mountain off my list.
I felt like a god.
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
Went to open youtube this morning, and the last search was "ten hours of whale sounds" Best pillow talk ever!
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
Randomize
