What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
if i wake u up at 5am tmrw by coming into ur room wearing nothing but my indiana jones hat and purple socks while singing 'courtesy of the red white + blue' will u be pleased or annoyed
keep in mind this isn't open to negotiation, i'm just trying to gauge ur reaction
I would make tea from her tampons just to see her tits
Just met a guy who has been in college for 7 years and still classified as a junior. Then watched him shotgun 10 beers. Found my new hero
Who wants to bang the sort of girl you can get with Axe body spray??
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
Drinking wine from a straw at 6:15 in the morning. This is what college does to people.
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
I refuse to believe this is a lapse in my dick hunting skills. It's gotta be the gods playing a game.
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
I'm tired, but I'm gonna go with "I watched the debate last night and part of my soul died"
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
Randomize