Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
Yeah, i think she was German or something.
No dude, she's just got a speech impediment.
what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
Whatever. They have the same name, so it's not even cheating. It's brand loyalty.
I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
He tried to pick up a girl by telling her about his homosexual experience in high school.
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
the bottle said: caution extremely flammable. so that was my motivation.
She soaked the fruit in vodka for ten minutes and then mixed it with normal fruit and sherbert icecream. It was called "lottery fruit".
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
Secondly, that waffle is lost for good. I have no fucking idea where that bitch is
I just want to be like i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
We were fucking in the back of my truck and no joke a skunk came up and sprayed us. How am I supposed to explain this to my parents
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
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