Pants 0. Shit 1.
Of course it's dangerous. Why else would they hire us after we failed the drug test?
look what he's done to me, i actually want to be a stripper now.
Just got to school and somone already mentioned the amount of cereal im carrying.
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
He completely dissapeared at the baseball game. We found him passed out at the hotel three hours later with souviner photos of himself at the top of the Sears Tower.
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
Can't a woman sleep on the floor in her own apartment in peace without being judged?
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
Yeah that's a good idea.. I like to be responsible when I trip my nuts off
After we had sex he began to tell me the craziest places he's had sex. He told me KFC bathroom so I rolled over and went to sleep.
I told him no rough stuff and he immediately bit my ass. Who the fuck does that?
Randomize
