Omg I def was not. I wasn't that drunk. I showed that I stuff my bra but I didn't whip my tit out.
We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
did the walk of shame through a baseball field. .A little league game was going on. Proceeded to buy a hot dog at the concession stand. the looks were priceless.
It hit me after I slept with his best friends and brother, that maybe I took it a bit far
Im 95% ready to shit behind 711
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
For future reference "bring our litter sisters on our date day" is not such a good idea
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
I'm still working on figuring out my birthday blowjob schedule. I'd love to just have all three of them get in there but I get the feeling they wouldn't like that.
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
I'm handling the NHL draft worse than getting dumped this week
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
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