So there are ramen noodles in the shower you need to explain...
It just feels so wrong throwing away the condoms into her Hello Kitty trashcan
Why am I a bad person? You were the one trying to get people to eat tape.
I need someone to get my backpack from the bar before class tomorrow. I have to give my students their papers back.
Someone tried to flush pizza down the toilet. Well, at least tried to
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
She just spat tequila at me... Like a fountain... A broken fountain
I don't know what to say to that. All I know is my vagina is trying to jump through the phone.
I had sex in the back of a hot foreign guy with a lacoste eye patch's car
I'm trying to get weird tonight. Like I want to see bitches crawling on all fours drinking milk from bowls and shit by 5 am. You down?
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
I’m a little confused...we were told by Cheeto Jesus and his minions multiple times that we would stop hearing about coronavirus the day after the election and, yet, I am still hearing about coronavirus. Is it possible they lied to us again?!?
Randomize
