Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.
Whatever dude, I don't feel bad about it. If my girlfriend finds out even SHE should give me a high five. That bitch was fine
as much as i want to say no i cant cause i need the trophy wife training
Just high enough for therapy.
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
He just yells "mush!" as they're having sex.
Did I tell you guys I was bisexual last night? I just had a flashback
No I did a yoga dvd and hit my ex up via email for some pot in exchange for his mail.
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
okay i know we havent talked for like weeks but i just really wanted to tell you that i miss your dick. like alot.
whose this? and thank you
Randomize
