peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
Yeah he kicked my ass... He probably wouldnt have hit me as hard though if I wasnt lauging and yelling " I fucked your sister I fucked your sister" over and over again.
The party theme was heirs and heiress's. Most guys came in polo shirts but he came as the "arch duke of vagina".
Just ordered a clown who does balloon animals. No backing out now.
Come, dress lightly, bring tequila...
wine pong. its mother daughter day and i think she's mad. I smell like jager
Currently trying to figure out if the guy has a cane next to me or brought a weird dildo to the bar
I just traded 5 cigarettes for a sandwich on they greyhound.You owe me 5 cigarettes. I told you I would get hungry.
I just talked this guy out of hooking up with me and gave him relationship advice. Am I a good person now?
I lost my bar virginty and made out with a dwarf. It was a good night
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
So if you wanna come get your pants you can. But you have to come in your boxers. Rules are rules!
I must be pretty memorable. I was walking past this dude and he goes "There's the Scotch Girl." I have ZERO clue who he is, but I'm definitely the Scotch Girl.
Thank god you don't know my other address I'm safe for now
Awww you know you would like it if I found u
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