I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
Saw a guy smoking a cig holding it with a fork and driving WTF?
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
After 12 shots he decided to show us knife tricks. You can figure out how it ended
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
What's the place called?
I searched "county" on google, but....there's a lot of results
In the last six hours i have procured a free sandwich, watched three movies, and came to orgasm. If that isn't productivity then i don't know what is.
she has that "i will punish you like your mom did" vibe, i think guys like that.
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
Dude, she was there with her husband and I was there with my wife. Of course we banged in the bathroom.
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