I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
I found a pair of size 15 female undies on my floor?? is that big?
Do they make some cleansing product for your soul? Like mouthwash that makes you not a skank? Or is that what religions for?
Eh, i think it's called sobriety. But its not fun.
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
Just saw the guy I slept with last night in a bar. He gave me a high five and kept moving
Never let your siblings swipe right.
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
This guy wants me to put ice under his foreskin. What!?
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
OH DEAR GOD IT GOT IN MY MOUTH AGAIN HELP
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