toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
Yeah, getting the HI-fiVe would really put a damper on my whoring around.
I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
I don't remember what your face looks like..
I don't remember your face either, just your dick.
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
That chick who made out with a door is here. Want her number??
Discovered a freckle on my clitoris. What have you done today?
Well he can play the xylophone with his erect cock... So he's got that going for him
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
I would have cried, probably tears of wine, but cried nonetheless.
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
I did a trust fall off the bar and then almost got into a knife fight over a push up competition. Just another Tuesday.
I just punched myself in the vagina to prove a point. Please pray for me.
Randomize
