There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
Soo I have a handle of 100 proof captain, cupcakes, and nothing to get up for in the morning.. This blizzard is shaping up to be a great night.
used foursquare to find where i am. please come get me. this is the scariest bedroom ever.
So when I got her home I realized being a lesbian again isn't like riding a bike...
When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.
say it with me now .. the "golden" penis. his nickname does not disappoint.
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
Call me something sexy & ethnic. Like jasmine. But mystical too. Like Mermaid Jasmine. And throw Glitter somewhere in there too.
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
I got fucked in a bat mobile this morning. Being slutty rules.
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
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