i guess i called my mom last night. she wasnt nearly as impressed with what we did in the bathroom as i was
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
Are you around on Saturday? Feeling a trip over
Wet with either fear or sexual excitement
I think a mixture of both is appropriate
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
You can't mix blow jobs, bacon, and Star Wars.
A) just did. And b-z) that sounds like a great Sunday morning.
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
First night of sleeping in the same bed, and she farted on me. I immediately excused myself and went home. Don't know if we're still together. Will update you.
Remember when you brought a guy home from the bar... to our parents house.... on thanksgiving eve?
That was before I lit my hair on fire
There's wine in the fridge here. You could leave school and we could get day drunk.
That's my favorite drunk.
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
Randomize
