I got raped by $2 you call it's. I'm still hammered. And mentoring high school kids. My life is a joke.
dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
I thought I would take a shower to wake me up but now I'm naked wet and stoned laying on my bed instead of just stoned laying on my bed
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
I think I hit my head on every surface in that apartment last night
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I danced with a french guy who licked the sweat off my neck and poured a drink on me. Not gonna lie, that shit was refreshing
I'll only sleep there if we can bone on your balcony.
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
Ok. After that I think I'm going to drag queen jello wrestling if you would care to join.
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
Randomize