Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
She had another shot and asked if I wanted to taste her tongue ring. Then I helped her pee.
his face was nice enough, but his choice of footwear screamed columbian drug lord
Its like he woke the dragon, and the dragon is hungry for a good dick.
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
HIS NAME IN MY PHONE IS JOSHUA DREAMCHASER I CAN NOT
NO SHAME NOVEMBER
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
Yeah we invited her back for chicken nugget sandwiches
My life has hit a new low, I just licked MDMA of someone's bed.
Listen all I know is that mistakes were made and she stole the car and drove half an hour for food at 4 am
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
Randomize
