The drunk teletubby stumbling out of the place tipped me off..
I like my landing strip. Makes me feel sophisticated.
What you did last night can never be called sophisticated. I don't care how you trim your pubes.
The world is my kaleidiscope. I see whatever the alcohol wants me to.
She sucked my dick and I swear I almost had to send a search party into her mouth to find it. IT WAS THAT AMAZING.
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
I got a lap dance from a guy last night dressed as a school girl. Heels and all. His heels got stuck in my fish nets
Why is there a chocalet milkshake outside our front door?
Alcohol
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
It's no shave November. This is our time.
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
You were only speaking with either thumbs up, thumbs down, or high fives haha
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
Randomize
