Think the blond can even spell "shiksa"?
so, i drunkenly called my religious roomie because i was lost and told her if she couldn't come find me, jesus would condemn her to hell for not leading me to the light .. too much?
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
I just won 10 dollars from out chugging the bar tender and I found out that the baby aint mine in the last hour. I don't even care if l get laid tonight any more.
It's official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world.
In a min. With a stripper at the hospital. Business. Not pleasure.
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
i could've stared at her spine forever man..she was so deep, and she made a drink out of vodka and organic mangoo shit. i will find her and present that goddess with some fucking gummies
you're no longer allowed out of my sight at parties
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
Only my second night back in town and I already have drunk middle aged women doing the robot around me in a circle.
She really wants to put my dick in her mouth, and to be honest I really don't want to put it there.
Randomize
