My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
Did I really just find a cheez- it box full of condoms in your room?
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
Pretty sure the shower sex fucked up my hip alignment... im walking like im 104 today
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
I don't send those kind of pictures unless the recipient has already been up close and personal with it. I don't give previews, but I will provide recaps.
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
This couple is walking their pig around campus
I got home and he was wearing a suit. He said he reason was because it was shirt and tie Saturday and that he won't change until midnight. He then proceeded to answer the door in a British accent.
The only reason you haven't shit yourself yet is because you don't like having fun.
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
There’s an entire generation of people out there who didn’t grow up watching Mr. Rogers and it shows. These Boomers need to get their shit together.
I am no longer and illegal Moonshiner. I just made thousands of gallons of incredibly High test alcohol with police watching and waiting for thare couple of jugs so that they can bring home and disinfect their houses with it. I'm fat with money at the moment.
Randomize
