Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
lol whn u cming hre I nd 2 c ur fce
IF YOU TEXT ME ONE MORE SHORTENED VERSION OF A WORD, THE ONLY THING YOU'LL SEE IS MY FIST IN YOUR FACE.
yah I made NO friends last night. at one point i think i replaced talking with spitting
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
just saw a girl throwing up in a taco bell nacho cantainor going 60 down the highway
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
she added emergen-c to the bong-water bro, brilliant.
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
He's way too stoned. I took him to el bra and he's laying on the table, not sure what to do with him
you just cant say you love him and then say you want to fuck your boss
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
When's the last time you had sex near some ducks?
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