I love my bros weed
Im gonna hate it in like 20 mins though
those are such fre$h shoes
going to ignore the use of the word "fresh" in a sentence that isnt related to produce and/or other food stuffs and especially the part where you replaced an "s" with a dollar sign
"Tonight I'm turning swine flu into an std" this might be how zombies come about. Peace civilization.
If she doesnt understand your inherent need to teabag an emo chick, do you really want to be with her?
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
If we ever start off with margaritas for breakfast and end up naked covered in olive oil...I could think of worse ways to spend a day.
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
He started to lick a stick of butter and was calling it Jennifer.
Needless to say, I did not go home with him cause he kinda resembled a guppy fish.
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
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