I just wish we had the ability to download food from our TVs.
Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
Some guy said that sham wows were the same as regular shammys. needless to say you had to be restrained. you kept trying to 'slap chop' him.
we were hanging out in his room and he decided to play WoW.. so i took off all my clothes while he wasn't paying attention and laid on his bed and started playing with myself.
did he notice?
of course he didn't notice.. he was playing a fiesty level 1 fucker that wouldn't give up..
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
Oh my god. You have got to get off that breast feeding support group. They're on to you, dude.
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
Hey super random I have you in my phone as "downtown likes to go fishing girl" haha does that sound like you
Whatever. I am not explaining the physics of my dick slapping.
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
I mean metaphorically speaking, maybe we've all fucked on top of a frat house at some point in our lives
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
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