Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
She used my dick as a microphone to sing "any way you want it" I'm in love.
It's 5:30am in Vegas and I'm eating McDondalds next to crying prostitutes.....low point.
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
He was like a foghorn with a huge penis.
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
How long until you're healed?
Physically? A week or so. Emotionally? The scars of dislocating my knee at a frat and flashing my panties to the whole crowd wi never heal.
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
We need some Captain and Fanta. That shit will change your life. Sidenote, bring an IV drip to hook me to in the morning
How do you politely tell someone to get out of your house in Russian
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
Randomize
