did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
I don't remember her name, but I do remember yelling at her from the balcony of the hotel room during her walk of shame.
he told my vagina that he was looking forward to meet it
oh hey summer self, welcome to endless thirsty thursdays and walks of shame.
Gooodnight my beautiful sex angel. Much luvz for joo, etceteraz
These days, you and me are swimming in dicks.
Marco
Polo
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
Him naked in my bed with a bottle of vodka in one hand, a pipe in the other, and a rose in his mouth.
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
grapes are the best munchies food ever cuz like the juice explodes in my mouth and my mouth gets all relieved of dryness. and the skin of the grape is like the food. and theres so many grapes!
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
i'll...probably just offer you drugs?
i'll...probably take them in all honesty
Were we still high when we decided to break your leg?
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