You feel like going out tonight?
Does a 14yr-old girl look good beat up? I'll bring the handle
I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
why was he too nerdy?
he was a tetris block for halloween
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
yeah he didnt know till after their one year. You have no idea how bad i wanna say "dude i sucked on those boobs before you"
Nothing like a $37 iTunes bill. Jesus Christ do you know how many $2 beer/shot specials that is??? The answer is 16. 16 beer/shot specials.
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
Alosmot hir two of of mt mailanoxwa
Oh Jesus.
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
grapes are the best munchies food ever cuz like the juice explodes in my mouth and my mouth gets all relieved of dryness. and the skin of the grape is like the food. and theres so many grapes!
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
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