I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
Dude...disintegrating condoms. Think about it. For all the guys that wanna go raw dog but their girls won't let them, and for the girls that wanna get pregnant but their guys don't want a kid. What do you think?
I think you've been hitting the soco too hard again.
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
looking at that huge scar on my leg from when i got drunk at 9 AM and walked into a grill. so excited for football season to start again!
In chronological order you drank, sang, smoked, napped, threw up, cried, laughed, described your pubic area, passed out. You have abused the privilege to use me as your D.D.
I may or may not already be in your hot tub when you get home. I have a key to your house and no shame.
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
But like it was sooo bad! At one point he tried to flip me over and he fell off the bed
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
She was so happy for me that she insisted I fuck her with my Bills jersey on. THAT ACCOMMODATING
Well, he was practically tripping over his dick to get to me so I'd say my new dress was successful
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