They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
those 9 inches of man changed my life forever.
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
He won't let me have sex with him, but feels bad if I won't let him get me off. It is the weirdest, best, most confusing pseudo relationship I've been in.
Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
i hope this doesn't spoil anything but there are vikings and it is awesome
After a couple hours you decided you were going to walk home but ten minutes later you called and said you'd puked by the side of the road and you needed us to drive you to the art museum.
I have a rage boner right now. An actual erection brought on by the amount of sheer hatred I have towards nationwide.
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
Leave it to you to bring a trash can into a fist fight.
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
I love friends. Friendship is wonderful. I wish the rain was my friend
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