If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
Ian has mac and cheese all in his bed/on the wall. Either you did it or he fell asleep with a bowl in his hand and spasmed in his sleep.
Cooked or uncooked?
I am standing at the lion i publicly humped last night. i am mortified.
Pretty sure that Albanian broad gave me something last night. Now we play the waiting game.
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
because i know somewhere at some party, behind someones closed bed room door youre being feed a key full of mollie.
Im calling you paparazzi cause of all the dick pics you take of your one night stands ps loved the panoramic one!
It takes a special friend to go vibrator shopping with
Yes. It does.
He was asleep with his head on a windowsill and you were petting his head, then you almost left the kitchen and then went back to pet him some more.
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
YOU DONT EAT A GIRL OUT AND THEN GO PUKE ASSHOLE
Sounds good. I'm hoping to have my life together by next week but you never know I guess.
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
You spent twenty minutes waxing poetic about her ass and her thighs
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
Randomize
