if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
There is no way when we get home that nothing will hapen
Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
i dont care that its taken 20 hrs to pee without hurting, BEST HATE SEX EVER.
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
He crawled over to me grabbed my boob asked me if I liked cats and then passed out. If that's really my RA, it's gonna be a long year
He just remixed a spongebob song with 2 chainz..... Clearly I love him
I'm sorry, but the "Hobbit Slam" has to be a sex move.
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
there's crying, and people are upset, and there's a love triangle, and a broken heart, and so much estrogen
We made out in front of everyone INCLUDING his girlfriend. And no one saw. THAT DRUNK!
There are 6 of us in a mini cooper and his maid is in the trunk...she needed a ride.
Eventually I will start sleeping with people who actually want to hangout with me the next day... But not today
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