I think I'm in Tiajuana
You are not in Tijuana. I saw you an hour ago
I could be
She was sleeping without a shirt so I thought I wouldI sneaked a peek at her nipples..than I realized they were just warts...on her back.
i was so drunk he made me beileve the song was called "thanksgiving sex."
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
can't believe I traded a good night's sleep and a midterm for your blurry tits
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
I went up by the border of Canada. We took shrooms and went fishing...pretty sure we killed a dragon and ate it for dinner
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
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