I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
so he came in my eye... should i throw out my contacts?
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
im pretty sure your bra is in my room hanging on my shark pinata
She's gone now. Left with the wind like a majestic leaf that just rides the invisible current to locations unknown. And dude, her friends were really hot.
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
You are a booty call, not a friend.
All I remember is dance battling with a man named tom the entire time who kept buying me drinks so id say it was a success
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
It's just a friend who is recently single and I'm going to heal his broken heart with my vagina
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
So drinking that old rum that I found in the ceiling of my dorm was prob not my best idea. But good news: my puke was so colorful b/c of all the skittles i ate
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
Randomize
