Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
I guess you don't realize how much twelve bags of chips are, until they're all over your floor.
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
I kinda wish he had even a slight idea of the sex I'm planning for his departure. I'm literally studying for it.
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
French people screaming and throwing stuff out the window. We told the manager and he's pissed and going up there. This is gonna be like cops. Maybe better than cops.
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
Spent the majority of my senior year drunk. Graduate of 2011, I think 2011. Probably.
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
Grandpa just whipped it out and started pissing on the way to the game stuck in traffic. I saw EVERYTHING. :(
Randomize
