I've learned something. I regret way too may Tuesdays in my life to be normal
He woke up, got my bottle of water and poured it on me and then went back to sleep. Not really how I want to wake up at 2 a.m.
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
She screamed at us, "You guys need to wake up and smell the beer-bong!"
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
Bacon and your penis are involved. Of course I'm going over.
there's no judgement here...i was recently just fingered in my dorm hallway while having a conversation with 5 people.
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
am drunk, naked, and blow drying cat. need adult supervision
someone found a bottle of whiskey in the bushes this morning when they were cleaning before an admissions event. i'm 95% sure it's mine..
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
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