I am officially superior to you. I said "Go Go Gadget Dick" before I fucked her. I dare you to beat that.
I just saw that your im name has '4eva' in it. Your man card has been revoked.
Welcome to my life. currently drinking beer through two straws. easier/faster that way.
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
what's an appropriate "I'm fucking your grandson but I'm trying to hide it" outfit?
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
the amount of times i have been intoxicated, barefoot, and in a robe at 3 am at the quick check by your house is impressive, especially since i live an hour away
I have a tab of a google image search of onion rings open and it is making me so happy.
I have never in my life been turned down for sex until this weekend.
Welcome to my everyday.
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
Randomize
