I'm pounding a vodka drink as we speak to make her interesting
he told us the story of how he fought ketchup, mustard, and thomas the train engine all in one night. if that doesn't sound like an acid trip i dont know what does.
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
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are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
I just bid on a $9000 car because I think its my ex-girlfriends. Yes I wanna hit that again.
Celebrating anything "Eve" is never a good choice! I feel like my soul's been put in a blender on the "destroy" setting- in other news: Happy 4th of July
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
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Also he didn't buy condoms after we ran out last week. Luckily I had one, but I told him he should be more optimistic about getting laid
It is not a successful senior year unless you show up to campus without pants at least once, right?
Let's celebrate our freedom by getting high and doing stupid shit.
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
His ass is a ten, but his personality is a two. Which would average to a six if I didn't have to figure in apologizing to all and sundry. In short hard no. Get a new wingman.
He may not be good for my soul but he’s great for my vagina!
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