You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
he kept whispering yes yes yes yes the entire 15 minutes. i almost wish it was a quickie.
Make sure to show her the sewer we were arrested in on your tour.
My only regret is not throwing up on the conveyor belt in the dining hall
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
Alls I remember is making out with that chick.
Nope that was a dude
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
I swear to God...this day is one great big who's who in the land of fucked uppedness.
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
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