I want to make a zoo with you.
dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
You better have your party panties on Saturday!
Why only Saturday?
Well I have an AA meeting Sat morning so I'm going to try to take it easy Fri.
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
We got back together. The pastures weren't greener on the other side, the dicks were just smaller
He had to stop fucking her halfway through to do a shit. When he returned she was still waiting for him. The joys of MDMA
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
you just rode your bike home from a one night stand in a stolen skirt with no underwear and you're telling ME to reevaluate life choices?!
The only way he could ever pleasure me is if he lit himself on fire and let me watch
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
OMG also, I'm sorry I tased you a lil
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