im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
im trying to pick out the cookie crumbs from my adderall. it is a lot harder than it seems.
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
What's clit gel and why is it in my wallet.
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
That wasn't even sex. That was a fuckoning
...did you just create a word for what we did?
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
fell asleep while jerking off ln. woke up to my hand in my pants and my cat crawling all over me
Randomize
