i puked out the bus window last night on the way home. i remember it, but i don't remember everyone else screaming to put their windows up.
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
She bit a glass in half.
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you vomited through the snorkel and onto the back of your head. it was truly amazing
Repeat. Dildo on the ceiling, confiscated potato shooter, and bottle of yegger. Repeat. Ceiling dildo and yegger.
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
It's called the dick transitive property. It states if you touch a person whilst they touch a dick, you are also touching said dick.
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
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Definitely had a dick in my ass while watching the Seahawks win. Best NFC Championship game ever.
I better make out with at least 3 princesses and 4 animals this weekend.
I mean I've only met the girl once and she was trying to slit some guys tires.
Had sex outside for the third time last night. Mosquito bites all over my ass, and i think i have a rash on my nipples. When will i learn.
Just wait till winter
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
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