I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
I don't care that you fucked her. I'm offended that once again, you fucked someone with me in the room because you assumed I was asleep.
that bitch in the red sedan is still teasing me with the ice cream cone. i'm going to show her my dick
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
Ya he's alive. Apparently he's been drinking Naty and listening to Unbreak My Heart on repeat all day.
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
Moral of the story is go have sex with a foreigner and report back to me.
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
she opened a can of olives, drained the juice and poured ranch dressing in. oh and 'croutons' (saltines) on top...
I'm bringing my passport in case we get drunk and wind up in Mexico
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
I woke up and found that i was using my computer as a pillow. i had 53 pages of random letters on Microsoft word
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
Randomize
