I don't know how much more of summer my liver can take.
it got awkward when she realized that our nickname for her was "The Hambeast"
why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
she was masturbating to a video of herself masturbaing. She's a keeper
ITS A JAGER BOTTLE. NOTHING CAN BE BAD IF ITS JAGER RELATED.
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
wait did i hook up with someone in mcdonalds last night?
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
hey sorry i didnt call i just got out of jail, so you still dtf ?
omg last night while walking home from your house I stole a seatless bike and carried it into my next door neighbors kitchen.. we just looked It up online it's an antique and worth $500 dollars
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
Randomize
